Category Archives: Life

I wonder…

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Sometimes I just have to stop and wonder why I’m putting as much emphasis as I do on certain things. Sure, I mean there’s the pride of a job well done and all, but I’m forced to wonder exactly what part of the universe would come crashing down on my head if I gave it a rest for a while.

For all my protestations of not giving a &?$@, I tend to put a premium on getting things done right. Right now I would really love to put that away for just a while and take things as they come without feeling the overwhelming desire to fix them in some way. The rest of the world seems to get along ok with halfassing everything. Why shouldn’t I get the same opportunity? What’s the worst that could happen if I really did find a way to turn that switch off? I mean, hell, they can’t shoot me and no one has ever been drawn and quartered for being a slacker.

It’s a happy fantasy, but I know that’s not going to happen. It’s not the way I’m wired. And as much as I’d like to toss in the towel and say the hell with everything I’m not sure I’d even know how to do that and make it stick. So instead of doing what I want to do and making a big bloody stink, I’ll drift off to sleep, get up with the 4:30 alarm, and do it all over again tomorrow. I’ll screw on my best British stiff upper lip and keep it that way until I retire, hit that PowerBall jackpot, or someone finally drives my blood pressure into stroke territory.

A good sleep…

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I’m starting to think that I would give up my right arm to get a really good night’s sleep. I honestly can’t remember when I had one last. I’m technically asleep, I suppose, but these last few weeks it has seemed anything but restful. If anything, I wake up more bleary eyed than the night before. Nothing has changed, my patterns are all the same as they were back in the glorious days when sleep was actually something to look forward to. If I’m going to be this tired all the time, I’d rather just stay awake. Then it would at least I could make the nights at least somewhat productive and I’d understand why I can barely keep my eyes open at three in the afternoon. All I’d really like at this point is one good night’s sleep… if only to keep me from getting more irritated at things in general than I am by default.

An Ambien or a few stiff drinks at bedtime would probably do the trick, but I don’t particularly want to go that route. Absent some other alternative, I suppose the next little while is going to be sleepy and grumpy. Five more and I’ll have a whole friggin’ set of dwarves.

I gotta feeling…

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Ever have one of those feelings where you’re pretty sure you’re about to do something dumb, but know you’re going to do it anyway? Yeah. That’s what’s on my mind tonight. I’m a smart enough guy to hold my own in most situations, but there are times when even I (and my ginormous ego) know that we’re being outclassed all the way around. It then becomes a question of whether we can step it up and meet the rising challenge, whether we’re going to take the beatdown of a lifetime, or whether it’s better to cut and run. Cutting and running hasn’t really been my style in most things so I’m pretty sure that’s going to be an option. And I’d say there’s a 50-50 chance of either of the other options coming to pass.

I’m not really as pessimistic as that just sounded. In fact, I’m confident that it’s going to be one hell of a ride either way. How long the ride lasts, however, is anyone’s guess. Buckle up, gang. This ought to be fun.

Big picture…

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It feels like it has been a while since I’ve really been able to take a look at the big picture. I never thought of the chance to take the 100,000 foot view into perspective as being a luxury, but when you’re way out in the tall grass moat of the time it sure feels that way. I know that almost everything is interconnected, but you usually can’t see those connecting nodes from ground level. The big picture is about doing the analysis and making sense of the inputs. Life on the ground is about reacting to those inputs, either through training, instinct, or pure random chance.

I think I’m self aware enough to know that what I’m really missing at the moment is the time to disengage from that reactive mode and do the thinking, and writing, and the reading that tends to keep me balanced. I need a few minutes of operational pause to marshal my forces, lay out the way ahead, and come at things fresh.

I don’t have the first idea of when that might happen, but knowing the remedy seems to be a good first step.

Sometimes I Miss Apartment Life…

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At first there’s the profound feeling of accomplishment at being a homeowner. And then shit starts breaking. At first it’s little things. A light switch goes on the fritz. Then a window cracks, then the gutter leaks, and then, and then, and then on into infinity. Of course that’s all followed immediately by the calling of the contractors, and the calling and the calling and so on and so forth. By the time you get one thing done, ten more seem to need doing. It’s madding.

I’m not what you would call handy. I’m good at identifying the problems, but in trying to repair them I have a tendency to cause more harm than good. I’m a big believer that it’s important for a man to know his limitations… and mine apparently involve being able to make seemingly simple household repairs. Once the weather breaks, I have a proverbial laundry list of things that need doing, but that I’m decidedly incompetent to do on my own. Since that is officially a known fact, I suppose it’s time to get all reasearchy and put the short list together of people who appear to be worth contacting in the first place.

In case you’re wondering, that sucking sound you hear is the cash being sucked out of my wallet to get it all done.

Fridays…

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I know there was a time when Friday nights were all about going out and staying out as long as possible… or maybe I imagine it. Now I’m sitting here watching the clock creep towards 10:00 and thinking that finding my way to bed right about now sounds about perfect. It’s probably wrong that a good night’s sleep is really that tempting, but I’ve found it best to take your pleasures where you find them. I know I’ll be up ahead of the sun in the morning regardless of when I find my way to bed… so there’s not much point in holding out just to make a point. Color me sleepy and sign me out for the night. This is going to be awesome.

Quality vs. Quantity

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Family time is a good thing. It’s especially good when you live 900 miles away and don’t get to see them as often as you’d like. The trouble is balancing quality time versus quantity time, particularly when you’re use to living alone and doing everything on your own schedule. I love my family dearly, but I think I’ve reached that tipping point where the best thing to do is get out on my own for a little while, decompress from the just-passed holiday and unwind a bit. Now to find a place in Allegany County that knows how to make a rum punch.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

All about Eve…

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Traveling with dogs is always an adventure. Watching southern dogs try to come to terms with snow is really something you need to see in person to fully appreciate, though. I’m happy to report that this Christmas Eve hasn’t been too traumatic for either the dogs or for my mother this year. In fact, I think she’s starting to warm to them a bit as this year they’ve even been allowed into the living room. That’s a real upgrade from last year’s banishment to the kitchen for the duration of the trip. I, of course, am on pins and needles hoping they don’t leave a Christmas surprise to be discovered later. That would surely send us back to square one. At the moment, there’s a fire in the fireplace, the dogs are curled up at my feet, and mother hasn’t threatened to toss the whole lot of us to the basement. So far so good.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Surviving Friday…

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I’m happy to say that I officially survived Black Friday here in Memphis and managed to pick up a few things without beating people to death with their own 40-inch flat screen televisions. Every year people are surprised that I would show up anywhere on this day, but like everything else I do, I have my reasons. Black Friday is essentially everything I hate about people all wrapped up in one day. And while I basically have no use for people, my weakness in this case is that I like to watch them interact with one another. It’s like my very own retail-baited Petri dish. The draw of watching stupid people in large groups simply overcomes my aversion to being in close proximity to them. Mostly, though, I went out this Friday morning to be a human shield and for whatever lifting or toting might have been necessary.

I’d love to say that I went out Friday with great goals of finding perfect Christmas, but what I actually ended up coming home with was a new Bluetooth keyboard and a 1TB Time Capsule. I’m just starting use to the keyboard and it’s definitely different than the wired version that I have been using. I haven’t decided yet if I’ll miss the number pad and full-sized arrow keys yet or not. The bottom line is that it’s one more device that lets me cut the wire and adds a surprising amount of space on the desk. Less clutter = good. The Time Capsule is a horse of a different color. I know I’m probably more paranoid about backups than most, but there is something reassuring in knowing that every file on my computer is being backed up multiple times a day. My backup files should never really be more than an hour or two old now… and that kind of instant restoration makes me happy.

Big plans…

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The last working day of the week is wrapped up and I’m looking forward to my favorite food holiday of the year and seven days of basically having nothing that I really have to do. Of course there’s plenty that actually needs done and I’ll probably even do some of them, but hanging out at the house is exactly what I’m looking forward to doing. For now, I’ll sit here happy in the knowledge that I can be as unreachable as I want to be for the next week. The last semblance of “must do” activities is picking up the turkey from Honeybaked tomorrow evening. After that, it’s mainly about hanging around the kitchen and playing gopher while the cook is hard at work on the rest of the meal. How’s that for good times?