Category Archives: Stupid, Stupid, Stupid

Some things (and people) are just dumb beyond measure…

Policy Changes, or Be on the Lookout: A Catalog of Stupid People

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I’d like to take a moment and thank the #2 male, approximately 50 years of age, with a salt and pepper beard, and blue shirt, driving a recent model Scion XD with Maryland plate 5AB2637, for inspiring me on my way to lunch today. First, I need to clarify why I laid on the horn and then saluted you in passing with the appropriate hand gesture indicating how much I appreciated your driving skills. Just so you know, when turning left across three lanes of traffic, there is a generally accepted way to do things. Normally, you allow the vehicle in front of you to complete his turn before you pull around him and cut across his path in order to make u-turn. I certainly appreciated your shoulder shrug indicating that you had no idea why I was gesticulating wildly in your direction. The inability to make eye contact was a nice touch. Maybe I’d have been slightly less annoyed with you, sir, if you were racing to a hospital or even to work. You, however, decided to be a giant douche bag so you could get to McDonald’s. I know this because I completed my u-turn just after you did and watched you pull into the drive thru line (please see attached photo as Exhibit A).

Believe it or not, I mostly don’t care what goes on around me. As annoyed as I am by most people, I don’t go looking for conflict. Unless you’ve done something truly egregious, I’m usually willing to turn the other cheek just because further interaction isn’t even worth the effort, but you Scion XD driver, have finally changed the equation for me and that’s why, today, I am announcing an immediate change in policy.

Effective this afternoon, whenever possible I will be posting the name, identifying details, and a photograph of people whose stupidity causes them to be a danger to themselves, to others, and to the continued survival of the species as a whole. When featured on these pages, I urge all my readers to be on the lookout for these individuals and avoid them if possible. All readers should consider interaction with these individuals to be highly undesirable and a potential hazard to your mental health.This policy will remain in force until I find a better method of calling out these asshats or until I lose interest, whichever comes first. Ladies and gentlemen of the Baltimore-Towson Metropolitan Statistical Area, you have been warned.

Against the Constitution…

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Three times today in three different contexts, I heard three different people say that something was “against the Constitution.” That’s all well and good of course, assuming that what you’re talking about has anything even remotely to do with the national user’s manual. Let’s just say for the sake of argument that nothing we were talking about today came anywhere close to that level importance. Look, “against the Constitution” is a fine figure of speech and I’m all for it, but these people were adamant that their particular issue was certain to be covered somewhere in an Article or in one of the Amendments at a minimum. I won’t cover the specifics other than to say simply that they were wrong. Not just wrong, but breathtakingly wrongheaded in fact.

It occurs to me that these are all educated people and then the real truth sinks in. Aside from knowing we have a Constitution and possible that there are amendments to it the average person knows alarmingly little about the Constitution and what it actually does. Now I’m not a fancy big city lawyer or even a passable excuse for a constitutional scholar, but I managed to follow the gist of it. I know more or less what the each Article covers and have a rough idea which amendments were added during which historical periods and the general topics they address. For those of you playing along at home, the first 12 were post revolutionary, 13-15 were a result of the Civil War, 16-21 were all about the Progressive movement, and 22-27 came along because the last half of the 20th century is when we started thinking that we needed an Amendment for things that would have been regular legislation in earlier eras.

I’ve long since given up on expecting people to know details about anything really, but if you’re going to try to buttress your argument by claiming constitutional blessing, it might help if you had at least some basic knowledge before opening your filthy pie hole. Otherwise you’re going to make me want to find a flag, wrap you in it, and then set you on fire. At least one of those two acts is constitutionally protected. Sadly, it’s not lighting dumbasses aflame.

Doing stupid…

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I like to rant about stupid people. Anyone who’s read more than a post or two knows that. For the most part, I’m fussing about people who either a) don’t know they’re stupid, b) don’t care they are stupid, or c) some combination of the previous two. There’s another category that I don’t rail against nearly as often. Mostly because I have a tendency to be one of them.

There is, from time to time, the opportunity for someone who is otherwise intelligent to get up a head of steam and run headlong into a giant wall of stupid. Not because he doesn’t know the wall is there or because he thinks the wall will move, but out of a much more deep seeded desire to do stupid because somewhere in the middle of it, there’s probably going to be a good time involved. Usually doing stupid doesn’t involve more than a passing level of risk to health or welfare, and never involves anything approaching illegal, but like everything else we do, we assume some degree of risk when agreeing to take the ride.

There’s a fair chance that I’ll spend some part of the coming weekend heavily engaged in doing stupid. There’s an equal and opposite chance that it’s going to be a good time. But just in case, if I haven’t checked in over the next couple of days, send guns and money.

Seriously.

Let it ring…

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On every cell phone produced in the last decade, there’s a switch, or a button, or a setting that allows you move almost effortlessly between notification modes – Silent, vibrate, or loud full blown dance party ring. If you work room full of cubicles with 20 other people and want to use your cellie while you’re there, you might want to consider trying out either the silent or vibrate options so thoughtfully build in to your phone. I can assure you in no uncertain terms that the laughing you hear on the other side of the wall every time your phone rings is me – and a combination of disbelief that you don’t see anything wrong with just letting it ring at any time and the fact that it takes you as much as 10 seconds to answer it once it starts ringing (yes, I’ve timed it).

Look, I’m the last person on earth to tell someone they shouldn’t be using a cell phone at every possible opportunity. I’m practically obsessed with mine. A little discretion, though, goes a long way and won’t take any additional effort on your part. I’m pretty sure that’s important to you. So how about doing us all a favor and checking out that vibrate function, ok? There are plenty of things to mock in the workplace without this needing to be one of them. Thanks bunches!

Runnin’ (jumpin’) with the devil…

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I was all set to bring you a different story tonight – a quick thought on the nature of Facebook and the people we meet at different stages of our life. That’s going to have to wait for a day or two now, because the devil has been sighted in a Paris suburb. Apparently he’s not only been sighted, but he’s also been stabbed by his quick thinking sister-in-law. Not a good day to be the prince of darkness, I suppose.

According to our good friends at the Belfast Telegraph, a total of 12 adults and children took part in this visionary experience that started when “A wife in the next room saw her husband moving around naked and began screaming that he was the devil… In the confusion following this apparent case of mistaken identity, the naked man’s sister-in-law stabbed him in the hand and he was ejected through the front door of the flat… When the man forced his way back in, they all began screamed in terror and leapt from the balcony screaming ‘Jesus! Jesus!'”

One has to assume that there is some kind of back story here. I mean even the morning after the most unfortunate one night stand, does anyone wake up and think the naked person in the room with them is the actual devil? Even in the depths of the worst hangover, I have to think that there’s a tiny little sober spot in the back of your head that tells you, “oh, that’s the guy I picked up at the pub last night and not the devil.” I’d think that’s even more true when the accused demon is actually your husband. I mean one can reasonably assume that you’ve seen him naked a time or two before, right? I mean I’m not a theologian, but the devil has horns on his… uhh… head, right? I can only assume that whatever horn-shaped appendage you saw was decidedly not on in the general region of his head. This problematic anatomy could have been a bit of a giveaway, no?

I’m forced to agree with the assistant prosecutor working the case when he allows that “A number of points surrounding this incident remain to be cleared up.” Yeah. This ought to be interesting.

Limits of multitasking…

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I’ve worked in some professional capacity now for a little more than a decade. At 22, I was pretty confident that I could take the world by the throat and work my will. At 32 I’m a little more willing to recognize my limitations. Make no mistake, my friends, we all have limitations; things that are just simply beyond out ability. I came face to face with one of mine this afternoon: it is physically impossible for me to multitask nine separate actions at one time. Who knew, right?

I’m not saying that nine is an outrageous number when given time to adequately research, prepare, and execute. But it is out of line when there are another half dozen or more coming down the line tomorrow, and the day after that, and so fourth and so on. And some of those projects, though seemingly small, will contradict assignments that were given the day before.

There’s a certain degree of madness in it. Repeat for day after day and it isn’t long before it turns into something of a farce (or is that tragedy). The overwhelming tide of stupid is leavened a bit by the fact that the dozen or so people you work most closely with know exactly what’s on your mind with just a look… And they’re all thinking the same thing. It makes the endless days tolerable.

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Feel the power(point)…

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Let me start out by saying that many, many of you have probably forgotten more about Microsoft Office than I’ll ever know. I don’t make any claim on being an expert or even an advanced user, but I can weave my way through most of the basic functions without causing too much turmoil… Like creating and editing a well-structured memo or building basic spreadsheets.

What I really want to know tonight is how the hell you get to be a GS-12 or higher without being able to put information into a pretty straightforward PowerPoint presentation that someone has taken the time to structure for you. Seriously, all that needed done was adding numbers to replace the “xx/xx” and using actual words to “fill in the blanks.” *sigh* And it needed to be done last Friday, not at 11:55 on Wednesday! All I can say in your defense is that you’re either too stupid or too lazy to burden the taxpayer. Then again, why would you work when you know someone is going to save your ass at the last minute and do the work for you. I guess there’s not much incentive to be an overachiever… Unless more work is its own reward.

It’s the 21st century, people… Technology isn’t going anywhere. Either figure it out, retire, or get out there and see if you can win us a Darwin Award. Since you’re already doing the least you can do, let’s make that a stretch goal for the year.

I may not go to heaven, but hope you go to hell. Asshats.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

You’re not that festive…

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In the last two weeks I’ve probably seen two or three dozen cars with antlers sticking out their windows and red tennis balls wired to their grills. I know opinions are like certain anatomical regions, but really those don’t make you or your car look festive. They make you look like a giant asshat. How on earth did you look at those in the store and think “Hey, that would be a good idea?” One more reason to question the health on western civilization.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Citibank Visa (Sucks)

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I’ve carried a Visa card from Citibank since I was 19 years old. In the last twelve years, it’s gone everywhere from Europe, to Hawaii, to the Caribbean and it’s been well used on those trips and has always been in good standing. That’s why I was a little surprised when I opened the mail this afternoon to find that Citibank was planning on increasing my regular interest rate to 21.99% on December 20th. Now lord knows I don’t have a problem giving my cards a workout, but at 22% they can keep their money. Seriously, who borrows money at a rate like that?

Of course, the fine folks at Citibank were quick to point out that I could get a lower 15.99% rate and all I’d have to do would be transfer a $5000 balance from a different card and that 16% rate would be mine for the next 18 months… and then go up to 22%. Is that a great deal or what? Customer service was plenty sympathetic, but insisted that my only option was accepting the new rate or closing the account (and taking the hit on my credit score in the process). Those aren’t the only options of course and it seems that it’s time for me to say farewell Citibank. As I type this, a balance transfer authorization is enroute from Discover (with a 13.5% rate locked in) to the home office in Sioux Falls, South Dakota.

So, Citibank, I’m not going to pay your ridiculous “standard” rate and I’m certainly not going to wreck my credit score by closing the account. I’m just going to let it sit there being something you have to update and keep track of and send statements about until I decided what to do with you. In the meantime, I’m going to do my bit to spread the word about how ate up your company is and directing as much business as possible to your competitors.

The morning’s lesson ran two hours over and all I got out of it was this lousy post…

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I’m not necessarily an expert in educational theory, but I picked up enough of it getting my undergrad to know that following the same research, brief, research brief, research format for three weeks tends to become less effective over time. “Inquiry Based Learning” is a fine idea and probably works well enough most of the time, but in swinging the pendulum away from the traditional training model, it doesn’t account for those actually learn from listening to Subject Matter Experts or simply by reading the text and discussing the issues. Effectively, it simply changes the type of learner that will most benefit within the training environment. Sure, you’ve picked up some of the outliers on one side of the spectrum, but you’ve lost those on the other side.

I guess what I’m saying is that mostly I just want you to tell me what information you need me to read, process, and discuss and then bugger off while I do that. I don’t need a team, or a group, or a gaggle or flock to make that happen. Really, all those extra people are going to do is slow me down. I’ve become an extremely effective army of one and I promise when I need additional help, I’ll ask for it. Until then, I’d be much happier if you would just stay the hell out of my way. You’re not going to change my mind about what style I personally find more effective so you can stop giving me the hard sell. I’m not buying.

It’s a relief to know that unless my career trajectory takes a radical departure from its current course, this is effectively my last long course I’ll need to take. The rest I can pick up in week-long chunks or online and all I’ll need to focus on is keeping my certifications current. Ultimately, the brain will only retain what the ass can endure… and at the moment, my ass is just plain worn out. The only thing that matters now is punching that ticket, checking one more box, and then clearing the hell out.

P.S. It’s interesting that one of the “coaches” commented on the need for better time management this morning, but that the morning’s instructor led session ran two hours over schedule. Go figure.