Category Archives: Stupid, Stupid, Stupid

Some things (and people) are just dumb beyond measure…

Another "Dear Colleagues…"

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Dear Colleagues,

I understand the concept of strategic thinking may be new to you and that you may not be use to looking at the interconnectedness of world events from the perspective our both our allies and our adversaries. I get that this is new for you and I even get that it’s not something that everyone will ever do for a living. By the same token, you need to come to terms with the fact that you don’t have a bleeding clue what you’re doing and leave the heavy lifting to the people with the big brains.

I certainly am not claiming to have all the answers or even to be the finest strategist in the room, but I recognize my own limitations and make allowances accordingly. You, on the other hand, seem doomed to second guess yourselves ad infinitum and to work into the late hours of the evening drafting and redrafting a presentation that by the instructors own admission they are going to cut to pieces no matter how well developed the ideas it contains. Here’s a hint: that friendly comment was their way of telling you not to stress over it too much, because it’s just a first effort and bound to be full of holes.

So, in the future, I would encourage you to try to get your shit together – Particularly when you have six hours to put together what will end up being a five slide, 10 minute presentation – because I’m going to continue leaving at 1700 on the nose, finished or not. I simply do not have the time, energy, or inclination to waste covering the same ground three or four times each day.

Thank you for your attention.

Very respectfully,

Jeff

People… People that need people…

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I can’t help myself. When someone sends me a website like peopleofwalmart.com, I simply have to look… at all 45 pages. Some of the pictures were funny, some were stupid, and some were simply disgusting. The thing that really caught my attention, though, was the section where you can read the hate mail the site receives. Seriously, some of that stuff was better than the actual pictures. I guess people who complain about websites are the same type who complain about what’s on television. Sure, I don’t deny your right to complain at all… but wouldn’t just surfing on over to a different site be a better use of you time. I’m just sayin.

Silent but deadly…

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The good news: Electric cars are going to save the universe, polar bears, and oil. The bad news: Electric cars are sneaking up on poor, defenseless people in parking lots and violently attacking them… At least according to the article in this morning’s Washington Post. That’s right! Electric cars are about to be deemed too quiet by the National Highway Safety Board and now pose a clear and present danger to unsuspecting pedestrians, cyclists, and that drunk guy on “World’s Dumbest” who drives his lawn tractor on the interstate. Thankfully, it seems our ever-industrious car industry is working on deciding what kind of sound these new cars should make. Leading contenders seem to be some kind of chime, or a little tune, or maybe even that whirring sound the Jetsons’ car made. Yeah, that would sound sweet on the Beltway during rush hour.

I suppose it’s too much to hope that people will just learn to actually look both ways before walking out into the street. Seems like we’re intent on spending a billion dollars to solve a $.75 problem. The capacity of people to be stupid never ceases to amaze me.

You can find the inspiration for this rant here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/09/22/AR2009092204290.html

As a general rule…

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I tend to think of field trips as something school kids take to places like New York or DC. Perhaps it’s something a archeologist does or a anthropologist even. As a general rule, I think it’s probably a bad idea for field trips to be something that the criminally insane/ murderers of society have the chance to do. Surely the simple solution of homicide = no field trip for you is something we can all agree on, no?

With that being said, it’s worth pausing for a moment to ponder that someone in a position of authority actually had to think that taking a murderous sociopath to the state fair was a good idea. Seriously? How did this not turn up in someone’s “request denied” file? And in the event that you did decide it was a good idea, a rule of thumb might have been “for god’s sake, whatever happens, don’t lose track of the dangerous psychotic while you’re waiting for your cotton candy or deep friend Snickers bar.” I don’t know, maybe it’s all just too much to ask. I mean with all the flashing lights and bells, it’s easy for someone to let the institutionalized murderer slip their mind for a few minutes.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad they caught the guy, but really, why should anyone need to be looking for him in the first place?

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

“It’s not a tumor…" (said in the style of Arnold Schwarzenegger)

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Well friends, now that we have government run banks, government run car makers, and are dangling on the brink of government run health care, the next logical step for the United States Senate is to determine if cell phones cause cancer. Wait… Maybe this is one of the Sesame Street tests where one of the things is not like the others. But seriously, the venerable Senate Health, Education, Labor and Pensions Committee is promising to “probe deeply” at the bottom of the issue. Are you serious Senator Harkin? The nation is in the midst of two wars, the economy is a shadow of its former self, the treasury is beyond bankrupt, and you want to turn loose the investigative weight of the United States Senate to find out of my iPhone is going to give me a tumor?

Here’s the list of things now “known” to cause cancer: cetaldehyde, acrylamide, acrylonitril, abortion, agent orange, alar, alcohol, air pollution, aldrin, alfatoxin, arsenic, arsine, asbestos, asphalt fumes, atrazine, AZT, baby food, barbequed meat, benzene, benzidine, benzopyrene, beryllium, beta-carotene, betel nuts, birth control pills, bottled water, bracken, bread, breasts, brooms, bus stations, calcium channel blockers, cadmium, candles, captan, carbon black, carbon tetrachloride, careers for women, casual sex, car fumes, celery, charred foods, cooked foods, chewing gum, Chinese food, Chinese herbal supplements, chips, chloramphenicol, chlordane, chlorinated camphene, chlorinated water, chlorodiphenyl, chloroform, cholesterol, low cholesterol, chromium, coal tar, coffee, coke ovens, crackers, creosote, cyclamates, dairy products, deodorants, depleted uranium, depression, dichloryacetylene, DDT, dieldrin, diesel exhaust, diet soda, dimethyl sulphate, dinitrotouluene, dioxin, dioxane, epichlorhydrin, ethyle acrilate, ethylene, ethilene dibromide, ethnic beliefs,ethylene dichloride, Ex-Lax, fat, fluoridation, flying, formaldehyde, free radicals, french fries, fruit, gasoline, genes, gingerbread, global warming, gluteraldehyde, granite, grilled meat, Gulf war, hair dyes, hamburgers, heliobacter pylori, hepatitis B virus, hexachlorbutadiene, hexachlorethane, high bone mass, hot tea, HPMA, HRT, hydrazine, hydrogen peroxide, incense, infertility, jewellery, Kepone, kissing, lack of exercise, laxatives, lead, left handedness, Lindane, Listerine, low fibre diet, magnetic fields, malonaldehyde, mammograms, manganese, marijuana, methyl bromide, methylene chloride, menopause, microwave ovens, milk hormones, mixed spices, mobile phones, MTBE, nickel, night lighting, night shifts, nitrates, not breast feeding, not having a twin, nuclear power plants, Nutrasweet, obesity, oestrogen, olestra, olive oil, orange juice, oxygenated gasoline, oyster sauce, ozone, ozone depletion, passive smoking, PCBs, peanuts, pesticides, pet birds, plastic IV bags, polio vaccine, potato crisps (chips), power lines, proteins, Prozac, PVC, radio masts, radon, railway sleepers, red meat, Roundup, saccharin, salt, sausage, selenium, semiconductor plants, shellfish, sick buildings, soy sauce, stress, strontium, styrene, sulphuric acid, sun beds, sunlight, sunscreen, talc, tetrachloroethylene, testosterone, tight bras, toast, toasters, tobacco, tooth fillings, toothpaste (with fluoride or bleach), train stations, trichloroethylene, under-arm shaving, unvented stoves, uranium, UV radiation, vegetables, vinyl bromide, vinyl chloride, vinyl fluoride, vinyl toys, vitamins, vitreous fibres, wallpaper, weedkiller (2-4 D), welding fumes, well water, weight gain, winter, wood dust, work, x-rays (thank you, http://www.numberwatch.co.uk/cancer%20list.htm).

I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, Senator, but the fact is that from the time sperm meets egg, our bodies are already conspiring against us. Cells divide, mistakes are made, and those mistakes themselves are replicated. One of the only common threads among all people throughout time is that we all die. The endgame is the same for all of us; rich, poor, healthy, or unhealthy. It’s not that I’m taking cancer lightly or trying to make a joke at the suffering the disease causes. I am, however, making a joke at the expense of the Senate. Surely with these steady hands upon the rudder of the ship of state, what could possibly go wrong?

God help us.

Things not to do…

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I’m going to have to go on the record here and add “Shouting and waiving my finger at the President of the United States during a joint session of Congress” to my list of things do avoid doing to embarrass myself in public. Seriously, you have to wonder at what point a United States Congressman decided that that was going to be a good move for his career. Right, wrong, or indifferent, that was a classless move and the guy deserves every nasty think that’s been said about him all day. Is it any wonder the Republican Party has a hard time selling itself to moderates when this tool is their news story for the week?

It’s all about the numbers…

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I’m all for people showing initiative during these economically challenging times. However, taping an “official” looking offer to paint my house number on the curb to the mailbox may have not been your most savvy business decision (Although it’s hard not to take you too seriously when you lead off your title with extra exclamation points!!!!! That way I know what you’re selling must be really, really important). I particularly like the effort you took to let me know how crucial these numbers were when one of the emergency services was looking for my house. Trying to edge nervous people towards paying you the $20 “fee” was definitely a smart move. Of course recommending that I just leave $20 taped to my front door was a pure stroke of genius. And it was nice knowing that you offered a discount if I ordered “multiples.” I can only assume that means if I wanted you to paint multiple numbers on my curb… in front of this one house. The head of your marketing department must have a MBA. I can usually tell, you know.

Unfortunately, I’m not going to be able to take advantage of your service at this time. Best of luck with the curb painting, or hubcap stealing, or whatever it is you happen to be doing tomorrow. In fact, I should probably leave you a tip for your efforts. After tomorrow afternoon, I’ll know which of my neighbors are truly dumb as stumps. I guess I’ll just consider that an extra perk of your service.

A modest proposal… or A rant for a friend…

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Based on my own unscientific observation, I am concerned that be running against those of us who can put together a coherent thought and express it in one or more complete sentences? It is my conclusion that one of the pitfalls of modernity is that we have prevented Darwin from exacting his pound of flesh from those who are ill equipped for life in a technologically advanced world. To remedy this problem, I modestly proposed the following:

Effective immediately all warning labels will be removed from household appliances, clothing, and any other item that is currently listed on the master stock record of Wal-Mart headquarters in Bentonville, Arkansas. Directions on proper usage of these items will continue to be included inside the box or printed on the packaging/tag as appropriate for the item. Hazard data sheets and warnings will be made available by request via the internet in downloadable/printable pdf format accessible either from home or at any public library in the United States for any and all who request them. Person or persons who are killed, maimed, wounded, or otherwise harmed by these products while using them in contravention of the accompanying directions will automatically forfeit their right to seek compensation from Wal-Mart, the government of the nation, state, county or local government of jurisdiction, the product manufacturer, or any other person or entity. Thereby, each consumer has the burden of educating themselves on the proper use and potential hazards of using any product in their possession. Warnings such as “do not operate heavy equipment” while taking particularly sleep-inducing drugs will continue to appear on labels as before. The objective is for the morons to show themselves and suffer the consequences, not have them start tying up the highways and byways of the country because no one told them not to start their breakfast off with a double shot of codeine and orange juice. If we’re lucky, many will try to get a jump on blow-drying their hair while in the tub, but if the majority are only maimed or disfigured, at least that would give the rest of us the opportunity to see them, establish a perimeter, and hold them at a minimum safe distance.

Cold? Possibly. Extreme? Probably. But essentially, my simple request is that we allow Mr. Darwin to get back to the business at hand and start thinning the herd. If we fail to act swiftly and decisively, I fear the tide will unyieldingly turn against us and the great sweep of human history will shortly begin its long march back towards the primordial ooze. And really, what better way to let humanity be served than to allow individuals to self-select their fate?

A million and one things…

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There are a million and one things that I should be doing this morning. Most of them pertain directly to preparing for the five project teams I’ve going coming in over the next two weeks to work on three different deliverables. But here I sit, keeping up with Mafia Wars, Facebook updates, the Drudge Report, and jotting down some ideas for a personal project that I have been kicking around for the last few weeks.

Some might say that I have a perfectionist streak or that I too often expect things to go as they are supposed to, but really, I’ve never expected more from anyone else than what I expect from myself. And while I’ve been successful over the last year at cutting way back on the 10 or 12-hour days, I think the quality of my production has probably improved.

I know I do good work… self-doubt has never been one of my afflictions. The masters I serve know I do good work, too, which is why the “hard to do” usually finds its way to my desk. Although I may complain of being given unreasonable timelines and too few resources, it’s rare that we don’t find a way to pull off the improbable or at least reach the 80% solution.

I’m not vain in the conventional sense… all I’ve ever asked for is a little recognition for making the improbable possible. When you’re told you are most worthy of that recognition, but that politically it’s impossible to reach that outcome, well, it gives one pause. It makes me wonder if maybe “good enough” is actually good enough and it certainly makes me question the need to continue delivering on time and on target… or perhaps I’m tilting at my own windmills.

If I seem slightly bitter, there’s probably a reason for that. I’ve never claimed to be entitled, but in head-to-head competition I’ll put my record against anyone and believe it will stand… if only the adjudication and application of criteria is impartial. When it’s not, I have to wonder what the hell we’re doing here anyway.

Expectations…

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The problem with being good is that it conditions people to expect good things from you. I use to work with a guy, back when I was touching America’s youth, who was fond of reminding me to “set your goals low and achieve them.” Some days I wonder if I shouldn’t have applied that advice. I’ve never minded long hours or short deadlines and I’ve never backed off from the challenging projects, but sometimes I do worry that I have raised the bar of expectation a bit too high. I’m always game to throw in and get the job done, but damn don’t I hate pulling the fat out of the fire for someone who is apparently not subject to expectations of, you know, actually being able to do his job. Seriously, some days I wish I could tolerate the sloth of it all. Oh, and just for the record, it’s not that I have problems with authority… It’s that I have problems with people in positions of authority who have been promoted way, way beyond their level of competence. Then again, maybe I should just start fouling up every project I touch so they’ll promote me again. Grumble, grumble, grumble.