Tag Archives: civilization is doomed

That’s the spirit…

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There’s a lot going on in the world. Between the incredible imploding generals, John Kerry’s name on the short list for Secretary of Defense, Israel chomping at the bit to bomb its enemies further back into the stone age, an impending fiscal disaster of biblical proportions, and a few dozen other odds and ends that are making the news today, you’d think I could gin up something pithy to discuss tonight… but in thinking that, you, gentle reader, would be exactly wrong. No matter how earth shattering or sensational, my official response to most of the day has been a rather disinterested shrug coupled with the occasional “Meh” for emphasis.

After several minutes of in depth analysis, I’ve determined that the harder I look at the world around me, the dumber it gets… and the higher my blood pressure soars. Perhaps it’s best for the world, and for my long term cardiovascular health if I just start ignoring everything that’s going on around me. That approach seems to work well enough for the masses, so maybe if I stick my nose in a book and pretend that civilization isn’t actually doomed everything will turn out just fine in the end. I mean it’s the approach that works for the inevitable 6 out of 10 who can’t find their state on a map or are more likely to follow news for Justin Bieber than Joe Biden.

So in this new spirit of apathetic mediocrity, I bid you all good night. I’m sure I can find something perfectly pedestrian to take my mind off the world. If a good book doesn’t work, I’m sure one of the 87 channels of reality television will fill the bill nicely.

Life skills…

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Almost every time I leave the safe confines of the house I’m left to wonder how the human species has managed to spread across the planet and survive in every climate from the burning sands of the Sahara to the Antarctic deep freeze. Clearly not everyone is as dumb as a bag of turds, so maybe it’s just the ones I keep running into who have no appreciable life skills.

Not everyone needs to be an atomic scientist or spend their days writing the great American novel, but I don’t think it’s too much to ask for people to be able to navigate your standard big box store parking lot. I mean with the lines and the arrows and the signs and the hundreds of cars already sitting there showing you more or less what to do, you wouldn’t think it’s that hard to take a quick look around and figure out what the hell you’re doing. But then there’s the reality of small children dashing between cars, slack jawed yokels wandering the lot having forgotten where they parked 20 minutes ago, random carts rolling across the lot looking for a target, and the inevitable douchenozzle who can’t be bother to look in either direction before backing out into the traffic lane.

As far as I can tell, the only thing these people are good at is breeding more people who will grow up to be just like them. That’s unfortunate, because I’m pretty sure that’s just another sign that civilization is doomed.

Glass: The Danger in our Midst

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There is a grave danger to every man, woman, child, and distracted bird in this country now hidden in our midst. Multi-billion dollar corporations are allowed to build 15,000 square foot retail stores in areas commonly used by people for shopping. Then these companies then have the audacity to clad their storefronts with newfangled see-through glass doors and walls. These fancy glass doors represent a clear and present danger to any and all who seek to do commerce with those businesses and I say they must be stopped. How dare these companies use glass to allow passersby to see into their stores and allow their stores to be take advantage of natural ambient lighting. It’s too much! Too much, I say!

83-year olds like Evelyn Paswall and all our fellow citizens must be protected from the continued use of glass in construction around the country, because our corporations are patently “negligent … in allowing a clear, see-through glass wall and/or door to exist without proper warning.” We as a species have only been aware of glass for five millennia, clearly not a sufficient time for all of us to learn about the hazards of walking headlong into this dangerous substance as we go about our daily business in our homes and places of employment.

The courts must provide an immediate remedy for the egregious use of such a dangerous product, because clearly human beings have not been graced with the common sense that God gave the average house cat.

While this case is winding its way through the courts, I’ll be stockpiling supplies for my bunker… because civilization is obviously doomed.