Here’s a non-exhaustive list of things one of my neighbors has asked to borrow over the last fifteen months:

1. My lawn tractor

2. Gas for his lawn tractor

3. My circular saw

4. $25 cash

5. My phone (3x)

6. A cup of “dark liquor” (reason unknown)

7. Jumper cables

8. $10 cash

In fairness (and as a point of comparison), here’s the corresponding list of things I’ve asked to borrow from anyone since I moved in here at Rental Casa de Jeff:

1. …

2. …

3. …

4. …

5. …

6. …

7. …

8. …

Whoever said good fences make good neighbors was on to something there. I’m more than happy to wave and say hello or even help out in something approaching a legitimate emergency, but I don’t need to be your friend… and I certainly don’t need to be your home improvement supercenter / liquor store / ATM. Seriously, if you can’t seem to take care of your own stuff, why on earth would I think you’re going to bother taking care of mine? Feel free to keep asking, but the answer is almost always guaranteed to be no.

Honest to God, my own island lair or a 500 acre mountaintop compound with clear fields of fire, a couple thousand claymores, and plenty of concertina wire sound like better and better housing options every single day.