Dear Criminals,

I get that times are a little tough lately and that maybe you’re having a hard time keeping food on the table, or filling the tank so you can get to your regular job, or for whatever other nobel reason you have felt compelled to turn to the life on an outlaw. I know that Memphis is usually a criminal’s playground, but in the future we’re really going to have to insist that you keep that stuff inside the loop. The nice suburbanites out east don’t like it when you start robbing their banks. It makes us all nervous and jerky and in a state that has so many soccer moms with gun permits, nervous and jerky is not a good thing.

While we’re on the topic of banks, you might want to reconsider your mark. Sure, Willie Sutton robbed banks “because that’s where the money is,” but lets face it, this isn’t 1933 and most money is electronic now. Basically, by robbing a bank all you’ve done is make sure that instead of just Memphis police looking for you, the local FBI office now has a flag raised on you too. Maybe you’re not public enemy number one, but when it comes to criminal enterprise, the fewer people looking for you the better, don’t you think? You’d have been far better off knocking over a couple of Kwik-E-Marts and a liquor store. I’m just sayin’.

In selecting a life of crime, I understand that your long range planning skills probably leave something to be desired, but in the future I hope you will consider that most banks actually have working alarm systems and cameras and that instead of having a lonely retail clerk giving them a description of your unmasked face, the police and FBI now have you on film from several angels and a remarkably detailed description of the late model Pontiac you used as your getaway car.

In closing, I hope you’ll remember in the future that you suck at crime, probably at life too… But at accessorizing, you’re a champ. The apron really makes a statement.

Sincerely,

Jeff