Testing… Testing… 1… 2… Pee

As a condition of employment, I’ve always known my position was one in which there could be random sampling for drug use, but I’ve never actually talked to anyone who had had that particular privilege. This morning, I became the bright, shining example of statistical sampling. At 7:30, my boss walked in, chuckled, and handed me a sheet of paper saying, “you are ordered to report forthwith to the address specified below and submit to urinalyses for drug use.” From the time the paper was placed in my hand, I had two hours to report and submit.

I’ve never claimed to be a saint, particularly when I was teaching, and yes, I sampled non-medicinal narcotics on occasion. I never really liked the buzz all that well… something about being that out of control never rested well with me. For the most part, I’d stick with alcohol as my drug of choice. I even admitted my youthful indiscretions in the initial vetting process for work and was absolved of my misdeeds. But still, getting a notice to prepare for inspection, sent the proverbial shiver down my back. Even though I know I’ve done nothing that will get me in trouble, there’s still the nagging fear of what if they mix up my sample with the guy from the next room or what if that poppy seed muffin last week was more than just poppy seeds. It’s totally ridiculous for those ideas to pop into my head, but there they were all the same.

And just for the record, there is something decidedly undignified about carrying a specimen cup of your own urine down a crowded hallway… There really needs to be a better system for that.

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