1. Asking for volunteers. Send out the email as many times as you want, but no way, no how am I volunteering for a “special project” without first getting the skinny on what I’ll actually be doing. It’s not personal, but over the last decade I’ve learned that sticking your hand up and asking for a surprise almost never ends well.

2. Gay marriage. If you’re against gay marriage, then by all means, voice your dissent by not having or participating in one. But in since it’s 2012 and not 1612, could we all just stop for a minute and try not to inflict our own brands of puritan morality on everyone else in the room. If you’re going to call yourself conservative, then act like a conservative and tell the government to butt out of all aspects of our collective personal lives and not just the parts or actions that you personally agree with. That makes you a hypocrite, not a conservative.

3. Underwear bombs. If your God teaches you that filling your drawers with C4 and lighting the fuse is a guaranteed all access pass to all the best parts of the hereafter, you’re doing religion wrong. I’m serious, damnit. Why on earth are you praying to a supreme being that wants you to blow your own naughty bits off? Those 72 virgins aren’t much good to you when Mr. Happy gets vaporized. Asshats.