Checked over…

The sawbones seems to be pleased with my continued lack of being deceased. I’m a fan as well, of course. My BP is in striking distance of normal, blood glucose levels are ranging well into normal territory, and I’ve dropped somewhere in the neighborhood of 35 pounds since October. The meds probably have more to do with those first two things than I do, but I’m taking credit for the weight loss. Me and that cursed exercise bike.

Next scheduled follow-up is in April. I’m glad to dispense with our monthly meetings, though I’ll miss the excuse for taking an extra Friday off every month. Maybe by April, I’ll be looking for a doctor somewhere a little closer to the Mason-Dixon Line. That would do wonders for my health and wellbeing. A boy can dream, right?

Master of PowerPoint…

In my agency, if you can open a PowerPoint presentation, change the master background, and really do anything more than straight bulleted text, you’re designated a PowerPoint Ranger and subject to 24-hour on call status for emergency slide making. Like today. When the boss realized an hour before a meeting that’s been on the schedule for six weeks that he hadn’t made any slides. Of course it’s not an official meeting if there are no slides, so slides we must have.

Here’s a snippet of conversation the followed the boss’ panicked rush to my desk:

A COLLEAGUE *sarcastically*: Did he just ask you for a batch of slides from the Civil War, the Spanish-American War, and our agency’s role in the invasion of Normandy?

ME: Pretty much, yes.

It’s PowerPoint. We’re not building nuclear-effing-weapons here (seriously, we’re not). Tell me, please, please tell me that I’m not the only person in the building who can consolidate 40 slides built for six different meetings over a period of 18 months into a 10 slide set, set them on a light blue background, add animation, embed video, and link documents that are available on our archive drive to open when you click the key word? Oh. Wait. Apparently I am.

I earned my undergraduate degree with honors. I made a 3.6 in my MBA program while working full time. I can’t tell you how glad to see six years of college education, ten years of professional experience and generous pay and benefits package being put to good use.

Editorial Note: This part of a continuing series of posts previously available on a now defunct website. They are appearing on http://www.jeffreytharp.com for the first time. This post has been time stamped to correspond to its original publication date.

Reading is Fundamental…

In theory, I work with responsible adults who have the ability to both read and understand the English language. The majority have an undergraduate degree and many have at least one master’s degree. Therefore, you’d think it would be easy enough to follow a set of directions that said simply:

Review the attached documents and provide your written feedback via email to Mr. Random Bureaucrat at random.bureaucrat@bigagency.gov not later than 10:00 AM.

Of course, what actually happens is you get flooded with messages that say things like “I didn’t like the way things were formatted, so I changed the layout and increased the font because I can’t see so good. Oh, and I changed some of the numbers because I don’t think they were right.” Or someone wanders to your cube wanting you to take dictation about the 37.25 things they want to change. Or someone sends in their changes at 4:32 PM and is then offended when you don’t drop everything, immediately recall the data that had been sent up the chain of command at noon and make their “critical” changes.

Look jerkwater, we spent three months crunching the numbers you sent us. Don’t blame the analysis because you don’t like how things turned out. And definitely don’t blame the analyst when you want to send in “updated” data six hours after the absolute last deadline for changes has passed.

For the love of God and all things good, right, and holy, spare us all the embarrassment of how badly it must suck to be you and read the instructions next time.

Editorial Note: This part of a continuing series of posts previously available on a now defunct website. They are appearing on http://www.jeffreytharp.com for the first time. This post has been time stamped to correspond to its original publication date.

Grinding to a halt…

As a fed, I’m following with great interest the ongoing fight to set the government’s spending levels for the rest of 2011. The current Continuing Resolution funding operations runs through March 4th. If it expires, the lights go off for the vast majority of federal offices – Social Security checks stop flowing, veterans benefits stop being paid, inspectors are no longer monitoring the nation’s food supply and we’re in a position where, except in very narrowly defined areas of national security, the legal authority of the government to do business ceases to exist. At that moment, somewhere in the neighborhood of 1.5 million federal employees and a veritable army of contractors instantly join the ranks of the unemployed.

As I remember my high school civics lessons, one of the primary jobs of the Congress is to allocate funds (i.e. pass a operating budget for the year). We’re almost half a year into fiscal 2011 and they haven’t managed to get that done yet. Perhaps instead of grandstanding for benefit of the media, Congress should do its job and, you know, actually do the hard work of passing a budget. Speaker Boehner says if federal jobs are lost as a result of the Legislative Branch’s posturing and pandering, “so be it.” That’s a hell of an attitude for a man only one life removed from being the leader of the people he’s just told to “eat cake.” There are no simple answers to the decades-in-the-making fiscal issues we’re facing and listening to so-called leaders dumbing it down to a one line soundbite insults my intelligence and should insult every American with the sense God gave a goat.

The federal government should and must reduce its operating costs, but this can be done in a sane manner, analyzing the relative value of work performed and making informed decision about what functions, missions, and people add value to the country and which are, by definition, pork. There will be reductions in personnel. There has to be in order to control payroll costs, which are the single biggest expense of any organization. Across the board indiscriminate hacking only makes sense from a position of emotion. I hope calmer and more analytical heads prevail in this national discussion, as the slash-and-burn strategy has always worked out so well in the past. Given the emotionally charged atmosphere both sides have fostered, I’m not optimistic.

Brave new world…

In countless briefings, charts, and memos, my agency uses the standard “traffic light” metric to express whether a particular project was operating within tolerance. Green was good to go. Amber signals that there is a problem. Red, the most dreaded status, indicates that the project has come off the rails. The phrase “apathy is green” began as an offhand remark to a colleague that my level of disinterest had maxed out for the day. As my career progressed, that simple phrase came to identify more and more closely with how I feel every day pulling into the parking lot in the dark hours of the morning. My level apathy is most assuredly green – top of the scale. My cup-o-apathy runneth over, as it were.

I’ve been blogging for a long time now and I noticed that over time the posts came back to the issues I was dealing with at the office. I’d write out a diatribe only to realize that while posting it would be cathartic, I wasn’t quite willing to commit career suicide to get things off my chest. Many of those old posts got deleted before I ever finished writing them, a few of them got saved, and the ones that did get published were so cut down and vague that they bore little resemblance to the facts of the matter. Launching this new blog, removed from personal connections, gives me a fresh opportunity to approach these topics

In the tradition of Office Space and Dilbert, I intend to use this space as a forum to tell tales from the workplace. For those, like me, who dwell day to day in a cubicle, I can only assume that many of the people and situations I intend to describe will sound familiar to you. For the happy few who live beyond the cube farm, perhaps all I can offer is an insight into life as a cog in the great bureaucracy. Like any writer, I welcome your feedback, your criticism, and your participation.

I am a bureaucrat. These are my experiences. Thanks for reading along.

Editorial Note: This part of a continuing series of posts previously available on a now defunct website. They are appearing on http://www.jeffreytharp.com for the first time. This post has been time stamped to correspond to its original publication date.

Valentine…

Cupid_is_CreepyAccording to the legend, Valentine was an early Christian priest who defied Imperial edict and performed illegal marriage ceremonies for Roman soldiers. The emperor forbade such marriages in order to prevent his troops from becoming too fond of home and hearth and therefore unwilling to depart its comforts for life in far flung garrison towns on the edge of empire.

By order of Claudius II, Valentine was arrested, charged, and convicted of treason. While awaiting the sentence of death to be carried out, Valentine seduced the young daughter of the jailer. For his crimes against the state, Valentine was beaten, stoned, and beheaded in 270 AD… Which means to show the love we have for one another, each year on February 14th the western world celebrates the execution of a convicted traitor and pedofile.

From all of us at jeffreytharp.com to all of you out there on the internet, have a very, very happy VD… which ironically is another thing you’d probably run into if you spent a lot of time with treasonous pedofiles like the saintly Valentine.

Reliability…

One of the aspects of life in memphis you learn to respect (or at least expect) is that the tension between city and county government is going to, at the very least, be entertaining. Last week, the city’s elected school board gave up in disgust and handed in their charter to operate to the city. In theory, that means that the responsibility to educate the former city school student should fall to the Shelby County Board of Education. Of course dumping 150K+ urban students into the happily suburban school board’s lap was something they wanted no part of. Enter the State of Tennessee in the form of the legislature that swiftly passed a law postponing any actual changes. The assembled wise men of the legislature were followed by the lawyers – which almost guarantees that the issue could continue to provide almost limitless opportunities for entertainment for the foreseeable future.

I bust on Memphis alot, which as a taxpayer I consider both a right and a duty, but I suspect the issues at work here are less about Memphis as itself and more about the urban/suburban/exurban dynamic at play in cities across the country. I won’t even pretend at knowing the answer to those issues, but I think recognizing them is at least a starting point. Memphis is the classic city that still thinks of itself as a small town on the edge of the river, the cycles of agricultural boom and bust gave way to industrialization, which is sliding sideways into the post-industrial era without much of a plan or even a sense of itself as a city. This is going to get ugly, but it should be fun to watch. Memphis is reliable like that.

Stats…

Even though the hiring freeze is still alive and well, I’m resolved to overlook such troubles for the time being and have continued my blitzkrieg approach to job hunting. As of this afternoon here are the stats:

Total Resumes Sent: 162
Total Rejected Outright: 87
Total Referred to Selecting Official – Rejected: 5
Total Referred to Selecting Official – Open: 7
Total Status Pending: 63

Even a blind dog finds a bone now and then, ya’know?

The unknown unknowns…

I like to think of myself as someone who stays relatively close to the front of the tech curve, but it seems I’m in for a bit of an education as I try to drag this little blog o’ mine screaming into the second decade of the 21st century. I started off the post-dinner education by doing a simple search for something like “blog tag best practices” (Yes, I’m well aware I’m that much of a dork). That led me to Technorati and blogmarking, which led me back to WordPress, which led me to linking the blog to Facebook and Twitter, which led me and so on and so forth. This particular post isn’t so much informative or documentary as it is a test to see if I actually configured everything correctly. If you’re seeing this as a result of Facebook or Twitter, I suppose I’m on the right track. I’m not further along on my great quest to manage my tags or make the look and feel of the site more cohesive, but I’m one step closer to success in my other current crusade to making all my social media integrated. I’m apparently still way out in left field somewhere, but with a little self-education, I hope I’m getting closer to at least learning a bit more about the unknown unknowns. It’s hard to believe that once upon a time, blogging was as simple as tossing some words on an e-form and hitting the “publish” button.

In the cloud…

I’ve been working on it for a while now, but I think it’s safe to say that I’ve finally managed to merge almost all of my communications tools into the Google Apps environment. That means that with the exception of the WordPress platform that actually hosts the blog, I can manage every aspect of http://www.jeffreytharp.com from my Google dashboard. Sure, that doesn’t seem like a big deal, but remember, I’m not a gearhead when it comes to tech. For the most part, I can’t tell you why things work, but I’m pretty good at telling when things work well and picking apart where they need to work better. With this last update of the apps dashboard, I was finally able to sync the iPhone with my hosted email/address book without using a clunky and inelegant work around that involved regularly porting my actual address book to a dummy Gmail address I had to set up just for OTA syncing. Now that they’ve fixed the glitch, I’m pleased with the near 100% integration and the ability to essentially run my life and my public voice from a single point of contact. Maybe someday I’ll take another look at Blogger and see if I can round out my reliance on the Google universe. But for the time being, I’m happy with WordPress and it seems like the place to stay until I find some strongly compelling reason to relocate. Maybe I can convince myself to take on the reorganization and facelift in the near future and close out this latest round of productivity. Until then, you can find me in the cloud.